My "I" Problem Chapter 11

These are random and general thougts I put together this evening for the start of the next 50 devotions. I would love to see your comments and thoughts, suggestions, etc.

The Beginnings of Chapter 11 for
MY "I" PROBLEM WITH LOVING GOD

"the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Ye shall walk after the LORD your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him"
(Deuteronomy 13:3b-4)

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As with many verses in Scripture, they start off well enough and before I know it, I am doubled over in spiritual cramps. "The Lord your God" is a wonderful phrase, emphasizing a two-fold appreciation for his name and a possessive pronoun that reminds me he is more than God, he is MY God. What thoughts of privilege, relationship, adventure, and companionship.

Then comes the first wave of spiritual cramps, "God proveth you." He comes intimately close to me, I open myself to him and, at my most vulnerable moment, he hands me a trial so difficult, so exhausting that it brings in to question the one thing I dare not consider, do I really "love the LORD"?

My pain increases, hopes of deliverance fades, and my heart and soul are stripped of the frills and thrills of comfort zone Christianity. And the Spirit whispers to my brokenness, "[Do you] love the LORD you God with all your heart and with all your soul"? Without hesitation, I am painfully aware of the answer, "No, I do not; but I want to."

Again, the Spirit speaks, not to my guilt but to my desire, "Walk after the LORD your God (keep following and pursuing Him), and fear him (honor Him and no other, not even yourself), and keep his commandments (do what He says without concern for consequence or logic), and obey his voice (listen to His wisdom when He applies commandments to your specific life-issues), and ye shall serve him (humbly take your position as servant, allowing Him to be Master), and cleave unto him (hold on to Him like nothing else matters, because nothing else matters)."

This is my "I" problem with God's Word. I want the softness and sweetness of warm moments with the LORD and abhor with much dread the possibility that He may allow tribulations to interrupt my sanitized idea of spiritual intimacy. Yet, everything in me knows that such love is superficial and unrealistic. Love for God is only developed through times of suffering, for it is in those moments that I clearly see how much I have given Him my heart and soul. My pursuit of Him despite obstacles, my intent to honor Him no matter what, my allegiance to His commandments , my sensitivity and obedience to His still small voice, my willingness to receive what the Master gives, and my unyielding dependency on Him during times of affliction only work to strengthen and solidify my love for Him.